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After a Sound of Music run (climb every
mountain) that would have suited Julie Andrews the GM attempted to form
a circle in the middle of a track, not that anyone paid any attention
to him. After about five minutes of ‘form a Circle’ and ‘Shut the fuck
up’ we finally got started, only to find that the Scribe had pulled a
Sickie. Requests for a scribe fell on deaf ears and Double Down Down’s
words as she politely declined are unprintable. Since no selfish cunt
was willing to front up No Hope is your scribe this week and if you
don’t like it get off your collective lazy arses and do it yourself
next time.
Before the Hares were called in Flying Dickhead volunteered to drink a beer for every passenger on every motorbike that went past ( guess he didn’t factor in the one that came past with a driver, wife, 2 kids and a chicken- at least it was a cheap night out). Hares called in and thanked for their efforts as well as the nearly end of run beer stop to celebrate Jungle Balls and Sad Term’s Birthdays (HBYCs). This was swiftly followed by JB being iced for not checking where the GM was and chucking his down down beer over him. Princess called in for having a horrible accident and then having the stupidity to tell everyone about it. Turns out he did a race in the am and wore new shorts that stripped the flesh from his balls, as he found out when he jumped in the shower on returning home. Following screams of agony from him and peals of laughter from his (girl) friend a liberal amount of Vaseline was slathered on the offending parts to enable him to partake in the Hash. Virgin My Arse then came in, ostensively to make an announcement which turned out to be a blatant advertising spot and was promptly iced for committing such a heinous offence, followed by her announcing the Koma hash for Tuesday, despite the presence of the Koma GM! Wilma then announced the Bike Hash for Sunday, adding ‘bring a bike’. Returners Itchy Cunt, Big Bollox and a few others were welcomed back and then Clitmus Pussy pushed all others in her path aside in order to christen the two young male virgins (not if she had her way!) Run offences were started off with Gay Ray punished for having the temerity to ditch a water bottle on the run, only to be spotted by the GM ( he got another one but I can’t read my writing). At this point Flying Dickhead’s running commentary issued the immortal words- get a wife or two mirrors if you are going to shave your head’. Puppy Shit’s ridiculous dye job was then brought into the public eye- it’s amazing how much he looks like Virgin My Arse now. He registered late last week but didn’t go on the Hash as it was conflicting with his beauty shop appointment. Julie Andrews, Triple Arsehole and Mister Fister upset the birthday boy for not stopping for a beer as they were trying to be ‘first’- it’s a HASH FFS, not a race. They did go to the end and come back for a beer though. Described by JB as ‘two idiots and a cunt’. King Klong got confused on the run on spotting Chicken George and mistaking him for a Hare, causing massive de-celleration. Once she’d stopped dribbling over the virgins Clitmas Pussy was punished for not impedimenting enough, this ended up with Princess and Great Dick being ‘volunteered’ for next year’s impedimenta. Princess’s advertising slogan is ‘buy a shirt or I’ll show you my balls’. An offence involving JC being a stupid cnut once again was announced but my writing fell off the page there so it’s gone forever. Final offence was Julie Andrews having the perfect opportunity to rid us of Prince Charles Hash Shit Knobhead Prickfaced Wanking Wanker forever by kicking him off his motorbike but failing to accept his mission. Turns out Prince Charles Hash Shit Knobhead Prickfaced Wanking Wanker also declined a birthday beer off the Hares- what a tube. Just after 1800 we finally got to the first Steward- Gorgeous. Testicle Tom was warned to behave, then rewarded for bootlegging music to the Steward with a bottle of his magic elixir- if that doesn’t get the old bones working nothing will (we can re-build him). Blobby Woo Woo (Barbara Woodhouse) entered as the co-hare from hell. Not only does he leave signs behind at the laaagers he won’t leave Gorgeous alone, pestering him about recces and co-hares. He doesn’t want to do the April run because Secret Banana Gobbler is about to drop but on the other hand he DOES want to do the April run (apparently he likes back door recces but don’t we all when the Mrs is pregnant!). Julie Andrews continued his cheap night out, iced for confusing the Iron Pussy with the iron Cross ( you had to be there). Blobby Woo Woo and SBG in again to announce the baby’s name- if it’s a boy they’re naming it after him and if it’s a girl they’re naming it after him. Swollen Colon was called in but not on the run. Steward called for a loud mouthed Scot to fill in for him until it was pointed out by Flying Dickhead that he was already in the circle. Turns out Swollen Colon was an abandoned child, packed off to Tanzania as the family Black Sheep- fortunately he was able to track down his family in Scotland via the hate mail he received. His degree was initially in Modern History but by the time he finally completed it it was just History. Bullet Rash and Clouseau then chastised for doing the run the wrong way and Two Stroke for declining a birthday beer thinking he had to pay. Sad Term then got a beer for selling shoes and issuing visas at the Embassy in Notting Hill ( you can’t make this shit up!) when Gorgeous was taking No Cup to Algeria (not high on my personal list of holiday destinations). 15 Gets You 20 in as Gorgeous’s final bit purely to provide us with some sexy eye candy. Singha enjoyed the walk and was able to direct those off paper the right way but Houston Basher, who staggered into the circle an hour later than everyone else, must have missed him. New shoes dealt with by the GM but Bullet Rash punished for advising the shoe-ees to rinse out their shoes after the run. We then had Bollox replaced as Hash Music by some African Chief, and Sad Term could be seen with a tear in her eye as she got homesick. Number One and Two wives ( Oh Yeah and Ooh La La) were flanked by the scariest decrepit line of backing dancers I have ever seen. Wait for it here. As Mr Mogobo pointed out- ‘Pinky can’t dance’. A brilliant spot but his Mrs won’t be happy cleaning the shower. Hey ! Witch Doctor ! Give us the magic word !!Numbered runs for McFurher and Condyke (25 each) and Gay Cowboy , finally getting to 100 runs after 7 years and umpteen vacations. Second Steward (Swollen Colon) and the Steward Raiser failed to appear so a few impromptu bits followed. Jungle Balls started it off, whittling down from 10 to 1 those who had never been iced on the Hash. With literally hours left in Phuket it was only appropriate that Double Down Down received the honor. The French were then presented with wooden spoons for their pathetic attempts in the 6 Nations that (you never would have guessed it ) JB announced the Welsh had won. Mr Fister followed this by pointing out to Itchy Cunt that beer was not penicillin and would not cure her issues. Froggy was appointed French Cunt of the Week ( he seems to be ahead of Assterix at the moment) for not knowing the difference between the wife and a prostitute- apparently hookers don’t smell like they’ve already been shagged 20 times that day. Departers saw the soon to be sadly missed Double Down Down and Rude as Fuck (best wishes on you return to a cold, wet, snowy non-electrical miserable UK) , Jungle Balls, Clitmas Pussy and Big Bollox, who had graced us with his presence ( no sign of Fishballs though who had taken advantage of Bright lights, Big City to go shopping). Good Run voted for whilst I was having a pee and circle closed at 1843. Happy Bus headed back to town and the Caltex was awash in recycled beer yet again. PS- it was interesting to note that Double Down Down was always manking on about people yakking when she was trying to scribe- guess who was yapping just behind me the whole time I was trying to concentrate! On On
No Hope |