GM couldn’t find Princess in a sea of ‘Blue Nose’ Blue – so in with the Hares, the GM couldn’t comment on the run, as he only did the walk, probably due to still suffering with the injury from last week’s fall.  Many congratulations to No Hope, Ape Man and Gorgeous (from last week) as they have all completed 50 Hares.  Anybody can hare you know; if you are interested have a chat with the Run Masters.  Ape Man was enjoying a shag from his dog, well his left leg was anyway!! Happy Birthday you Cunt, to Not Cleaver and very many thanks for the T-shirts, although it is driving the GM mad seeing ‘Blue Nose’ Blue everywhere! GM pointed out to Nugget that if the lane has a picture of a moped in it, it means that only mopeds can drive in it, certainly not to be used for beer trucks undertaking!  Thank you Mr Policeman GM! OK another reminder that if nobody volunteers to be Scribe Chaser, this is the penultimate set of notes that you will be reading on the Hash website or at the hash!!  Come on guys, yet again, it is the same people always volunteering to help!! It doesn’t hurt to be scribe, and I will throw in the free notebook and chair – am I selling the job to you!?!? Up to you – support it or loose it!! Returners:    Plenty including, Mr Fister, WC Fields, Flo Jo, OJ, Puppy Shit Tinker Bell and Chastity Belt.  Gay Cowboy and some bloke in a blue t-shirt enjoyed beer out of their new trainers.  Last week Froggy enjoyed his birthday party at his bar, with plenty of bottles of wine and spirits bought along as presents.  Unfortunately for him, the Customs and Excise decided to pay him a visit, and proceeded to try and take some of the bottles from him – never come between a French Man and his wine!!!  It cost him 10,000 baht to keep the bottle!!!!  Virgins: Contree, Andrew, Reece and Jason who all enjoyed their beer!!! Princess finally turned up – god it must take a long time to tart yourself up for Great Dick and the rest of the boys in the circle! Anyway, he was iced, along with Houdini – as Princess reckons the GM looks older than Houdini – and Houdini agreed! Visiting Hashers:  Slip Shot and Public Enemy and several others, who I failed to get names for!

Run Offences:  Minnie Mouse saw Twice Nightly getting a lift of one of the male hashers today, so she didn’t have to get her feet wet at the water crossing, that was the very gallant Punt (although most of the blokes in the circle reckoned he is just a dirty bastard!).  So we had a rerun of the piggy back, but once he had crossed the river, On The Floor (his wife!) asked for some help crossing the river, and he replied that she would just have to get her feet wet as she was too fat for him to carry! Then there was the second time TN received a piggy back off one of the older runners (around the age of 70) so the stand in was Houdini! Anyway, TN must have a fat arse as they both took a tumble into the mud as his poor legs where shaking under the weight (I don’t reckon it was the weight, probably hadn’t had some totty that close for a while and just got too excited!).   Blue Harlot did volunteer that TN could sit on his shoulders back to front if she wanted to!! Julie Andrews was impressed with Rude As Fuck – such a true hasher!  Turns up at Baan Rim Klong for the bus, checks his bag and has forgotten his walking boots, flip flops just won’t do it!! But certainly remembered to pack his beer cooler!!  Barf Wader found Lesser Dipshit shortcutting across the big canal; he had already slipped and cut his face, so BW offered to help him get out of the canal.  Unfortunately he didn’t want any help, and just told her “leave me alone, I don’t need any fucking help!!” well that is the first and last time BW will offer to help you! Swollen Colon commented on how Murkury was such a dull, boring ex aircraft engineer.  So out on the walk SC spotted a nursery of new purple coloured plants.  SC thought that as Murkury was such a boring bastard, he would know what they were, so when he asked him “what are they” he wasn’t expecting the reply “a nursery of new plants!!” GM wanted all the English in - what is wrong with you bunch of cunts – in Belgium and France they have been eating horsemeat for hundreds of years.  The newspapers are going crazy about this story, so crazy that it is causing helicopters to fall out of the sky!!  We only have one steward this week, and the GM told him to make it a long one……………………………….

Steward – Not Cleaver:  NC thanked the hares for doing a great run, although most people that have a birthday run help out – but they were a lot younger than him – so he left them to it! NC made a few notes – oh my good lord, I hope my pen(s) last, the bloody notes were taller than he was!!! *Scribe holds head in hands and weeps uncontrollably!* Anybody heard the joke about the Punk Rocker and the Nun on the bus? Well you are about to… Blue Harlot asked him to hurry up as he has a visa run next week he needs to go on! This joke is a bit OTT so if there are children, take them away along with all the dogs! A Nun was sat on the bus, in her full penguin suit counting her Rosemary (yes, these were his words) beads, when at the next stop a punk rocker gets on, young fit looking bloke, green boots, yellow skin tight jeans with a lunch box the size of an elephant dump(!), leather jacket and the biggest Mohican hair cut coloured with all colours under the rainbow!!  All the men were checking out the hair and all the women were checking out the lunchbox.  He noticed the Nun and shouted that she was looking at his bollocks and wanted him to fuck her up the arse! She told him that she was a lady of the cloth and was waiting for the holy spirit.  He told her to fuck the holy spirit as he knows she wants him! She asked him not to speak so vulgar to her and he just kept swearing at her as he was convinced she wanted him to shag her! She eventually got off the bus, and as she walked past he continued to shout that he knew she wanted a fuck off him, and was virtually pulling one off for her to see!!  Finally the bus was coming to the end of its run, and the punk was the only one left on the bus.  The conductor came over to speak with him and told him that he seems a nice lad, although a tad OTT.  But he also believed that the nun wanted him.  So the conductor told the punk rocker that she visits the church yard every Saturday night at 10pm to wait for the holy spirit!  He should wear a sheet and pretend to be the holy spirit.  So at 10pm he turns up swathed in his mothers top sheet and sees the nun covered in a black shroud.  “I’m here, the holy spirit has come to see you!” says the punk, “Oh holy spirit, such wonderful timing, I have been here for years waiting for you, so take me now and make me complete!” Great thinks the punk, he is just about to get going, when she tells him that it is the wrong time of the month, and he needs to take her up the arse!! Results he thinks to himself!!  So 15 minutes later he is absolutely knackered after all his hard work.  “You stupid fucking Nun I’m the punk rocker off the bus!!”  She replied “You stupid bastard, I’m the bus conductor!!”  So you can see how long this steward spot will last – GM you will rue the day saying to NC make it a long one!! ……..

What do Testicle Tom, Bullet Rash and Fungus have in common (apart from wearing the same shirt), no it’s not dementia, they are all North American (well Canada is Northern isn’t it!?).  Did you know Fungus was called Crime at school! Any idea why? Well he is such a tight bastard – Crime Doesn’t Pay! They are all close mates, and decided to meet up in a bar in New York when they went on holiday to the States.  In the bar TT thinks he has spotted Marvin Hagler, the boxer.  So off TT goes to see him and he says yes he is, he is the best pound for pound boxer and he fucks white women! TT returns and tells them, yes it is him and he is really pleased to speak with his fans! So off goes BR to see him and he says the same to him about being the best boxer and likes to fuck white women! So Fungus wants to see Marvelous Marvin and over he goes. TT and BR see him talking to Marvelous and then Fungus is knocked out by Marvelous.  TT and BR go and drag Fungus back to the bar and ask what on earth Fungus said to him.  Well apparently he said the same to Fungus about being the best boxer and likes to fuck white women. Fungus replied to him “well if I had the money that you had, I wouldn’t fuck niggers either!”

Three of the world’s greatest lies told by man: 3) But darling, I’ve never fucked anyone else up the arse before! 2) (This one is NC favourite!) Go On, I promise I won’t come in your mouth! 1) We all love the French! …… talking about Fucking the French …. Barf Wader – Are you scared, lonely, want a bit of support – well in you come then Froggy! Now we all know Froggy gets a bit aggressive, but this is only fun, don’t take it personally, NC is only joking!!!  3 Steps away from Froggy and NC starts his story! We all know Froggy has problems in bed (well BW tells everybody so!) and BW wanted to help him out.  So Froggy told her that he wanted her to talk dirty to him.  So off she goes to get changed, she is wearing her highest heels, shortest skirt and tightest top, she comes into their bedroom and says “come on Froggy fuck me with your little cock!” he told her not to tell the truth as it doesn’t work! Froggy has got a little upset with living in Thailand, the Thai’s really don’t understand him.  Especially when he is the garden wearing a ladies G-String. But they won’t when it is not your garden, and not BW G-String! BW recently heard Froggy on the phone laughing and saying “I want you to get my cock out, stick it in your mouth, tickle my balls and stick your finger up my arse!”  BW just told him to order the bloody pizza and be quick about it! BW asked Pole Position why she is always so happy at the hash, she has a smile on her face all the time, NC must give you a good seeing too? PP replied that he does, morning, noon and night! “Wow, what do I need to do to get that every day?” “Get yourself and English man” PP replied.  But BW loves Froggy, she is infact a Francophile, is that the same as a Pedophile? PP told BW that Not Cleaver goes out twice a week, with his friends into Patong, he gets all randy and when he comes home he always wants a shag.  Froggy should do that, BW explained the he couldn’t because he doesn’t have any mates – well none that are not French! Anyway, off the French pack go into Patong, and at 3am Froggy returned home a bit worse for wear.  He told BW to get her kit off, he wanted her to do a handstand infront of the mirror, with her tits facing the mirror, and to open her legs as wide as possible.  Wow, BW couldn’t believe how much her luck had changed by one night out! He put his face in between her gets and then stood up and said “the boys were right; I would look great with a beard!”

Now for a bit of class – our very own royalty, Lord Louis the Lip.  He is a real Lord you know, and has the ear of Prince Charles (there is a joke in there somewhere!).  Prince Charles rang LLtL last week, and told him that he had been asked to open a new hospital, but not any old hospital it was a mental hospital.  Anyway, the opening ceremony went well, and Prince Charles met some of the patients.  The first lad was in a chair doing the ‘front crawl’, and he told Prince Charles that he was swimming for Team GB and would win gold in Brazil, then told Prince Charles to fuck off as he was in the way and getting wet! The second lad was doing some ‘long distance lorry driving’ in his chair, and he told Prince Charles that he drives all over Europe, exporting British goods.  He leaves on a Monday morning and returns on a Saturday night, then told Prince Charles to fuck off as he would get run over! The third lad was doing some serious ‘shagging’ in his chair, and told Prince Charles that he was fucking the misses of the guy next to him while he was away all week! LLtL is a sexual athlete (in the UK we call them dirty old bastards!), but in fact NC & LLtL are parking buddies, they have a secret place in Patong to park, so they don’t get all the shit of “this for taxi, tuk tuk or motorbike taxi – so fuck off!” They park at a hotel, in fact they have been going there that long the manager thinks LLtL lives there.  He caught him peeing in the swimming pool last week, and shouted out to LLtL if he got any closer he would fall in!  LLtL tried to fuck his misses the other day, and she pushed him away.  He told her “two can play at that game, wait till I get you out of hospital!”  LLtL returned from a night out recently and his wife asked him how many he had had? “Only the 1”, “liar, I can see it in your eyes!” “Ok it was 2 but I didn’t come in the last one!”  In the UK LLtL liked the larger ladies, he wasn’t that fussy, just careful! He was in a bar, and saw the biggest woman he had ever seen.  She came over to him and said “take me back to your place and fuck me up the arse” he said “sorry I don’t have any lube” she replied “I don’t need lube, I’m very loose!” “You might be, but my front door is very narrow!” LLtL and NC were having a coffee at the hotel, and LLtL was really pissed off as he couldn’t find a woman his own age for a change.  At that he saw a woman in the hotel bar, and said that she was the one for him.  Off he went and within 5 minutes of meeting her they went up to her room.  LLtL was sweating and going 10 to the dozen, he finally gave up and rolled over.  He thought to himself; if he had known she was a virgin he would have been more tender towards her! She thought to herself; if I had known the silly old cunt could get it up, I would have pulled my tights down!

Now for our older statesman, Born Looser.  Two things you may already know about him he is very generous and he is also a Scouser (somebody from Liverpool).  BL and NC are neighbours here on Phuket, and NC is always popping round to borrow some coffee or milk.  One morning after a heaving night out on the town, NC was starving and had nothing in the house.  He went next door and asked BL if he could borrow some bread, there was BL in his sleeping gown and hat and carrying his candle!!!! BL gave him 3 slices of bread and wrapped them in greaseproof paper.  And also gave him a tin of baked beans so he could have a good hearty breakfast! But Scousers aren’t always generous; they can be thieving tight cunts! It depends on which side of the tracks they were born! BL was born in the middle of the tracks, tough life living in a shoe box, being beaten daily by his old man.  He was at the home of Liverpool FC, Anfield, for their latest home game.  He offered to look after cars for 6p, to make sure they weren’t stolen.  Up drove a guy with the latest model, and BL thought fuck this, if he can afford that he can afford more money, so he offered to watch his car for 1 shilling.  “Why do I need you to look after my car, I have a huge Rottweiler on the back seat, nobody will nick it!” “Does he put out fires too?”  What do you call a Scouser in a suit and tie; The Accused.  What do you call a Scouser in a 4 bedroom house; A burglar.  This is a true story; BL, a Brummie (someone from Birmingham) and a Rasta were all at the maternity unit waiting for their wives to give birth.  The nurse finally came to speak with them and told them they were all Dad’s to bouncing baby boys and the Mom’s were doing just fine.  Unfortunately they had run out of name tags, and they didn’t know whose was whose, so the Dad’s could go to the nursery and take their pick.  The Brummie runs off and gets there first, and picks up the black baby.  Rasta comes in and says “mate, think you will find that is probably my kid!” the Brummie replies “there is one Scouser out of this lot, and I’m not taking any chances!!”

NC shared with us quotes from three English heroes:  1) Sir Isaac Newton; it is with thanks to him that he discovered the apple falling from the tree – so we have cider to drink today.  He said “For every Male Reaction we have a Female Over-Reaction!” 2) Isambard Kingdom Brunel; Inventor, discoverer and designer – railways, Clifton Suspension Bridge, London Sewers and first floating iron ship, unfortunately he said fuck all that was funny!!  3) Sir Winston Churchill; having had a liquid lunch he went and gave a statement to the House of Commons.  After his speech a female back bencher said “honorable gentleman, I believe you are drunk?” Winston replied “Yes I am drunk, but when I wake up in the morning I won’t be, you however will wake up still as ugly as fuck!”  Singha could be heard mumbling that he hadn’t heard anything for the last hour!!! Can you hear this ……. “The hills are alive with the sound of music …….”

Julie Andrews, our resident German who thinks he is Austrian, now doesn’t that remind you of somebody famous??? Julie Andrews isn’t his proper name; his real name is Scheiße Straße which translates to Shit Street, so Julie Shit Street it is.  His father, Mr Shit Street senior used to inspect cookoo clocks in a factory, and when they came of the production line, he would test them and say ”ve have vays of making you talk!”  NC and JA were drinking in Singha’s one night and were talking about trucks and JA was saying his brother drove the latest Mercedes truck and could drive from Hamburg to Newcastle return in 12 hours.  Why do you English drive those shitty Bedford vans it takes 20 hours from Berlin to London, when his brother does it in 14 hours! An English guy that had been listening to this was really pissed off, he told JA that his brother used to go to Berlin and back in 8 hours, but he was driving a Lancaster Bomber!  Singha how many women do you have living in your house, currently 7 – no wonder he is fucking deaf!!! NC thanked him for the best December, January, Christmas and Birthday – NC had bought all his mince pies and they were delicious.

Schoolboy joke, what is black and white and read all over, lots answered “A paper”, what fucking school did you go to you poofters, not like the school NC went to.  It is actually a Zebra at the wrong time of the month.  Now a new spot, Belgium Cunt of the Week – anybody got any ideas who this could be.  Thanks GM for stepping up to the plate! True story, a lady friend of NC (they share the same birthday) was involved in the 2004 Tsunami, she was on holiday in Sri Lanka, and unfortunately never saw her friend again.  Within 48 hours she was being evacuated, along with 220 other British nationals, by the wonderful Belgium Air Force.  When they landed everybody onboard was cheering, clapping and crying with relief.  Being at the front, NC friend got off the plane first with the Officer Commanding, and she saw the imortal words – Welcome to Brussels Airport.  NC friend asked why had they landed here, not to worry the OC said, we will bus you to the train station and you are all going back on the Eurostar to London.  But everybody was wearing what they had on when the Tsunami hit (mainly swimwear) and all they had extra was space blankets, no shoes, no nothing.  It is the 28 December, and you are going to stick us on a train! I don’t think so!!!  She got everybody back on the plane and within 2 hours they had landed at Heathrow.  So with thanks to the Heroes of the Belguim Air Force, who were too scared to fly across the English Channel just in case the Spitfires got them!   Excellent steward spot, and HBYC!!!!!!

GM had a numbered run t-shirt for somebody that was small and bumpy – BH wanted take it off.  Congratulations Minnie Mouse 600 runs – and she took it off, and got the birthday boy to help her.  MM had a lovely sexy top on, even Testical Tom could be heard saying he had a movement!!  FCOTW – only one of them left – so Froggy it is as a stand in for the real cunt – Who The Fuck Is Alice.  Sometimes the GM struggles to find somebody for this position (I can’t believe that, not with the French!) but not this week, before the run the GM was chatting with the French pack and WTFIA asked the GM why he only calls in the French for FCOTW!!!!!!! Departers:  Have all pissed off already!!! Hares and the Run Master (JC) in, unfortunately the cunt who is the current hash shit holder wasn’t here (yes that is you Assterix).  It was a fairly long drive for some people today, over an hour for the poor cunts in Rawai! JC didn’t give a fuck about Barf Wader and Froggy having to drive that long.  It’s nice to come somewhere that isn’t used week in week out (like Bang Wad Dam next week!!), but not nice to use half a tank of fuel! But all agreed a Good Run.

I apologies for all the trees that have been murdered to enable these notes to be printed off – but blame Not Cleaver if you want to blame anybody!!!