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4th JULY 2012 LOYAL SUBJECTS Gather round for Your Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II declaration hereby giving notice of the revocation of American Independence, effective immediately, delivered personally by hand by her esteemed roving Ambassador Houston Basher on the 4th July 2012 Following an intensive covert operation over a period of several weeks Houston Basher uncovered a dastardly plot (the like never seen since Guy Fawkes) to undermine the Realm and its new territory America Perpetrator’s having infiltrated this gathering of fine noble Tinmen over a period of years have been identified His eminence Houston Basher has been tasked by Her Majesty the duty to personally deliver a directive to the Head Cur specifically to quell possible disorder instigated by this rogue who goes by the name of Ejackulator, also known as Jack the Lad and more lately forming an unhealthy alliance with a known money-maker, the pair now going by the name of Jackanoirey Ejackulator, on her Majesties implicit instructions I fear I bring bad news dear boy and trust that you will immediately desist and comply in accordance with the special dispensation that I Houston Basher as a loyal subject having worked with the ‘firm’ secured for you in order to save face and not embarrass your fellow Tinmen on the 4th July 2012 In the hope that this clandestine uprising can be quelled before the more unsavoury peasants muster and join the rebellion his eminence Houston Basher calls upon on his fellow Royalist Tinmen to go from town to town shouting from the rooftops far and wide for her Majesty’s subjects to stay alert and be on the lookout for interlopers intent on internal disruption and propaganda against the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and of her other realms and territories, now including America This dispatch to her loyal subjects residing in and around Phuket Island gives advance warning for possible American retaliation and general mischief making, have raised the upside-down Jack which you will note is emblazoned from flagpole and tree across the Island (no it’s not a tea party, only we know it’s meaning) Be aware that latest intelligence suggests that a band of brigands and vagabonds led by a ’slitty eyed chappie’ going by the name of Wild Wolf aka Proposition may be already amongst us under the guise of womanising and general merry making whilst scouting out our forward positions and trails Indeed our very own ex Royal Air Force GM has commandeered all batteries large and small on the Island, thereby grounding all ‘drones’ denying the ‘likes’ of Fungus lurking in the undergrowth with intent, receiving information on his mobile of our whereabouts, blocking communications to their forward scout known as Butt-Cycle identified by apparently wearing similar garb to Ejaculator with deep pockets, fashionable with short arms The GM’s heroic action allowing the Tinmen free range avoiding all falsies and the ‘like’, in preparation for the cry Hash Shit
Ejackulator you stand accused of designing a Tinman shirt emblazoned with propaganda against the Realm
Your position is therefore hopeless Ejackulator and I would urge you to demonstrate subservience and heed the opportunity that has presented itself to you below and immediately concur with the non-negotiable conditions Your fellow conspirators’ the Austrian Hun Julie Andrews (the instigator) and Madrid taco Tight Fit (the mouth piece) failed in their devious poisonous plan penned over several days in a shady Kamala bar to kill Houston Basher by poison at the last Tinman exposing themselves as dangerous conniving fuckers their intent compared only to the murderer of MI5’s Alexander Litvinenko, using an umbrella (Julie Andrew’s preferred choice of weapon) injected with ‘Polonium-210-induced radiation syndrome Therefore, in light of the current fad for Hash name changes it has been decreed for these two undesirable traitors be known from this day forth as: Julie Andrews the Poisoned Dwarf Tight Fit the Poisoned Quill (or Quim!) To this end, on your solemn oath Ejackulator, signed in ‘piss’ with your tongue on a beer mat supplied by the beer bitch Scud, the Hash police officer Secret Agent Dick Gobbler (commandeered by the Tinman) will not arrest you on sight for subversion for holding a rebellious meeting in a futile attempt to undermine the Monarchy Please do not attempt to rebel, Rude as Fuck has retained his police kit provided by No Hope and will not hesitate to apply the Hash handcuffs securing your hands around the base of a tree in what Blue Harlot & BC affectionately term as the ‘reach around position’ Heaven forbid Ejackulator if you attempt to resist, as I fear I will not be able to stop your shorts being roughly pulled down to your ankles and the former Swollen Colon demonstrating why he asked for a name change to Swollen Condom under the guise of some black flusie allegedly whispering that name in his ear I have to warn you that if you attempt to cry out in pain or pleasure, I advise you that you will see a pair of Hawaiian shorts around the ankles of Testicle Tom who having accepted the Royal Decree will not hesitate to silence your screams with his proven preferred method Those of you who follow Facebook will be aware that BC has been very pro-active realising that following the Royal Decree free speech will again reign in the colonies and new territory America BC will be observing the rabble element from his covert position with clear instructions to use his newly developed ‘blow-pipe’ dispatching a drugged dart into the necks of any ‘gobby’ Nationals to quell any possible disorder On balance Ejackulator, I am sure that you will recognise the hopelessness of your position Her Majesty has granted your dispensation on the following grounds: You will refrain from celebrating the former American Independence Day and instead rejoice in that the 4th of July 2012 is the 4th anniversary of the eminent Houston Basher’s Claim against a bank to be Heard in the Royal Courts of Justice, London (centre of the Realm) on the 1st October 2012 scheduled to coincide with your birthday, whereby you will make all arrangements as if you were going to celebrate your birthday, but in fact you will now include all the Tinmen and provide suitable ‘soft-ware’ and at noon raise your glasses to Houston Basher with a rousing cheer lending support for his task ahead followed by a banquet of the finest cuisine and piss for all until last man standing Her Majesty recognising the importance of that date to a loyal subject decreed providing that you ‘doff your cap’ to the eminent Houston Basher whenever a ‘down down’ is proposed you will be exempted from the Royal Decree until ONE MINUTE TO MIDNIGHT ON THE FOURTH OF JULY 2012, giving time for her loyal subjects and Tinmen to revel at your expense and to this end Order that you will:
In consideration of the above Her Majesty decreed that you may be exempted from providing therapy reports as set in the Royal Decree Point 4 you are cordially invited to shoot Grouse on the Glorious Twelfth, providing that you are properly dressed as a loyal subject and use an English (preferably James Purdey & Sons) side-by-side, walnut stock, half-cock hammer 16 bore with no choke A 12 bore is not accepted, we enjoy eating Grouse with the minimum of lead, changeable Barrels (excluding ‘Damascus’) may be of your choice maximum length 28” This is not the OK Corral pigeon/dove massacre of the type you normally attend, you will be expected to load your own gun to demonstrate competence and skill, however, you will be provided with an experienced handler for your spare guns to ensure which end to hold and direction to aim
Your shirt will be accepted and worn by Tinmen with pride as a token of your remorse and as an example to others
God Save the Queen
Fellow Tinmen Please charge your glasses for the Loyal Toast to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Second, by the grace of God, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and of her other realms and territories, including America Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith THE QUEEN Gentlemen you may remove your Jackets and smoke Reply: God Bless Her Houston Basher |