Scribe Report:                         Run  No. 1354                       Saturday  18th Feb 2012

Hare:         Swollen Colon

Total Pack 99 : PH3 90?,  Virgins 7,  Visiting Hashers 0,  New Members 2.


No hare available as he was on a rescue mission - Ape Man had collapsed (like his dog a few weeks back), so a replacement was needed but should be half man half pig - Houston Basher it was.  GM was not going to pre-empt what the Hare Master would say!    Returners:   Ketchup, Piglick, Lick Pig, Geriatric Nurse, Falang Bum, Ice Arse, Software.  SA Dick Gobbler was iced for hitting Naahee Man's Mom over the back of her head with his chair!! She did say he could leave the ice tomorrow, and he offered her one of his special chocolates.  Before the run Software asked the GM if there was anywhere he could take a piss - jesus man it was like being on Mars, you could piss absolutely anywhere! Numbered Runs:  Turnover - 100, VC - 100 (but only 4 registrations), Dr Fucking Jekyll - 50 (somebody wanted 'take it off, put it on' - what a sick puppy!) and No Shit - 25.  Barbara Woodhouse was called in, but he has only done 97 - Admin not quite right today.  Houston Basher blames that on 'Jack an Noiry' (get it ?  No not many others did either!?) not being here - because nobody got it, he was iced.  Naahee Man and his Mom not registered on time - so 100 baht each (New rate if you register after 4pm). Virgins:  Vonnie, Shane, Meuider, Barry, Alan, Jeff and John.  All enjoyed a couple of beers with added iced water.  New Member:  Ouver from Finland - Big Bollox has been there and he reckons it is a shit hole!  Seeing as Ouver likes to wear his Crocs his name is - Croc O' Shit.  Congratulations to Falang Bum who is now a Grandmother (Granny Bum now then!).  According to BC Falang Bum had a PAP smear last week and it tested positive for dust!  BC called the GM at 3.10pm today, asking where everybody was, GM replied "we are here at Nai Thon," "Oh Fuck, I'm in Nai Yang" Doesn't know one Nai from the other!   

Run Offenses:  Bullet Rash congratulated Barbara Woodhouse and Parasol Pussy for running on old Tin Man paper - unfortunately three virgins; Vonnie, Shane and Meuider were following them!  What have these three cunts got in common;Parasol Pussy, Piglick and Dr Fucking Jekyll - it is their Birthday this week.  Assterix was at the top of the hill, where he found virgin Vonnie, she had got her legs crossed and asked where the toilet was - just pick a tree and go for it. The GM thought it appropriate she was iced for that.  He did tell her to just ask for the French Embassy next time she needs a pee!   

Steward - Dr Fucking Jekyll:  If Testicle Tom was a man of the cloth, we would know what to buy him for his Birthday and Christmas - a Choir Boy!  Dr FJ went into the pet shop and asked to buy a goldfish, "would you like an Aquarium with that?" asked the shop keeper, "I don't care what star sign it is, I just want a bloody goldfish!" Moonwalker made a pigs ear of calling in Dr FJ last week, think she got him confused with somebody else?? "Little Doggy Crossing Street, Speedy Car, Sausage Meat!" Dr FJ moved into his new house, and was watching his new neighbour having a cigarette.  Desperate for a smoke, he asked the guy where he could buy them from.  "No problems, my dog Rover will go and buy them for you, isn't that right Rover" "Yes, no problem at all" replies Rover in decent 'Dinglish' The neighbour explained that he has an account, and Rover just goes to the shop and buys what is required and the neighbour pays the bill at the end of the week.  As Dr FJ doesn't have an account he gave Rover the money and off he scampered.  Nearly 30 minutes later there was no sign of Rover, so Dr FJ and the neighbour went to look for him. Rover was last seen heading to the service road behind the shop, when they got there he was having a great old time shagging a bitch. "Rover what are you doing, you have never done this before" shouted the neighbour!" "I've never had the fucking money before that's why!!!" Walt Disney's accounts were in profit this year, so everybody got a cut of the profit by going away for the weekend to Las Vegas, Mickey Mouse went to the gambit machines, Minnie Mouse (not ours!) went shopping and Donald Duck wanted himself a woman.  So off he went and found himself one, he told her he wanted sex, so they went up to Donald's room, unfortunately there were no condoms available, no problem, this is a five star hotel so just rang room service for one.  In the blink of an eye, there was a knock at the door and there was room service with Donald's condoms.  "Shall I put it on your bill Sir?" asked the employee "What do you think I am, a fucking pervert" replied Donald.  Dr FJ, Blind Mullet and Wanda visited Rosie in the Hospice, unfortunately when they got there he was sleeping, but his family told them to come back later in the afternoon as that is when he comes round.  So they took themselves off to the nearest pub, it was only there they realised that Wanda had a t-shirt on with 'Coffin Dodgers' on it.  There was an 18 year old boy that had never had a girlfriend and his father was concerned that he might be limp wristed.  So he asked him why he had never had a girlfriend "Dad I'm worried as I only have a 3 inch fully erected dick!" "No need to worry son, all the males in this family are the same, myself, your Uncle and your Granddad.  You have two sisters and a brother, you also have plenty of cousins.  1 inch in, 1 inch out and 1 inch in again!"  Dr FJ sees a group of American tourists walking around Oxford, they were in one of the many beautiful gardens, but weren't really that taken by it all.  They went onto the chapel, where there is some beautiful jaw dropping beauty, still not impressed.  Off to the Cloisters where one of them notices a tree in the corner "gee, that tree is in the Harry Potter films," out come the cameras as the level of excitement has risen no end!! Can you believe that the yanks are only interested in is a tree that appeared in a Harry Potter film!?  Good Steward Spot 

Change of plan, the minutes silence that was planned for Ape Man is cancelled, as he and his dog returned in the back of a truck.  Welcome back to Swollen Colon, the Hare that nearly killed Ape Man and Flying Dickhead who were sent on a mission of mercy. 

Naahee Man and his Mom into the circle, as it was time for some music.  All the rusties in, and Big Bollox, Gorgeous and Houston Basher to provide some backing vocals.  The maid of honor Testicle Tom - this song is an ode to him (maybe it is a Queen song?)   Testicle Tom sure enjoyed himself and especially the two glasses of prune he received!

Clitmas Pussy and virgin Shane enjoyed a beer out of their new shoes.  It appears that Shane shaves his legs, and other parts of his body too!!! Testicle Tom has joined the pubic hair shaving brigade, apparently it makes his dick feel like somebody elses! BC visited Koh Yao Noi recently with 20 school children (Blue Harlot gutted nobody told him!) and BC had to provide them with sex education, so he obtained the material, showed them the movie which explains how babies are made.  He did have to tell them that the white stuff that went of the woman's face should have gone in her pussy!  

Our next Steward will tell some tall stories - Cardinal Finger:  He started off with a warning, anybody that interrupts him WILL BE PUNISHED!  So Lick Pig iced for shouting out "Stand up when you are talking!" Lord Louis the Lip is known as Dr Louis, he has every complaint under the sun, recently he had some sores in his mouth, he goes to the cabinet, without his glasses on, for his mouth wash and ends up gargling with Disinfectant! Big Bollox rang Cardinal Finger (Little and Large) and asked if he was going to the hash, and to bring a chair if he was so he could be seen.  Big Bollox got as low as Cardinal Finger and iced (although held was needed to get him down and back up!)  It is Pig Licks birthday and CF is in Phuket to attend the party, Lick Pig has swapped her and found the right person to take her place - Testicle Tom (after a cosy cuddle in the circle LP confirmed that TT still feels the same!) Pig Lick was getting ready for the party and she asked Lick Pig what she should wear "just stick an apple in your mouth!"  CF met up with JC at the Expat on Thursday and JC asked him why he was in Phuket, "I'm here for Pig Lick's 40th Party" JC replied "I thought that happened 10 years ago?" A short and sweet (a partial description of CF!) good steward spot.    Lick Pig was explaining how in the UK the business he runs, has to adhere to strict health and safety laws, cannot sell sweet drinks and fattening food in schools.  So see what happens when Lady Pie pies are sold here at the hash (He points left to Pig Lick!) - another domestic about to start.  Cardinal Finger now standing on two crates which brings him up to 'normal' height. 

Rule 6 violation, Adam in the circle (Jiggly Juggs reckons the GM has ears like a bat - I think that is a description of their hearing ability and not what they look like!).  It is rare to see a solo Rule 6, so JJ in to accompany him on the ice, although JJ arse was slightly warmer than Adams, he did ask her to sit a bit higher on his lap, but I'm not sure he planned to have her arse so high his nose was stuck up it!  Definitely Rule 6 going on so Ice Arse cooled them down with ice water.  Adam doesn't know everybody's hash name, so Chastity Belt gave him a good bit of advice "if you don't know their name, just call them Cunt!" Anyway talking of cunts, Adam wanted Swollen Colon in to thank him for not getting rid of any of the vines on the trail, about 80% of the circle were taken out by the vines!  As Adam is a new member it was agreed after much discussion that his hash name is Brown Nose Cunt (hope he remembers, if not, he can just call himself cunt!)    Departers:  Ketchup, Pig Lick, Lick Pig, Naahee Man, Falang Bum, Croc O' Shit.  Croc O' Shit did tell a true story (which makes a change for this circle) something about WWII and about his mother, a Russian soldier and how she didn't speak the language so couldn't tell him to stop fucking!?

Run master, JC, asked the circle what they thought of the run today, it was all a bit odd, seeing as Swollen Colon was paying for the first 50 beers at his birthday bash, and all were invited.  He did say he 'may' pay for more - so the circle all agreed that it was a Good Run (hoping that would sway his 'may' to a 'will').   Swollen Colon had heard that bidding was taking place for the clearance of the water from BKK, the Swedish had bid 3 Billion Baht and the breakdown was investigated and looked true and fair.  The Aussies bid 4 Billion Baht, and again the breakdown was a true and accurate description of what would happen.  The Filipino's placed a bid of 7 Billion Baht!!  The Thai's wanted the breakdown of the bid which was:  "2 for you, 2 for us and let the Swedes do the job!"

Update from No Hope, as of 8.30pm Saturday night, Apeman was stable in hospital.       

On On

Double Down Down