It's been a hash bonanza of late. Started with the ball on 17th  June which was as good as ever and one of the highlights of the year so thanks again to Bob Bollox for organizing again. This was followed by what was basically another ball, but wearing shorts etc this time, the following Friday at the Expat to celebrate the start of the Phuket HHH 25th year anniversary. The same faces, the same band, cold beer which are an immediate recipe for success, plus several visiting hashers. When I arrived late my eyes were immediately attracted to the sultry Twice Nightly slinking over the stage in her white shimmering negligee plus Nahee Man pulsating on the harmonica and Cartoon bashing away on the drums plus of course the great Filipino band from the ball.

The Saturday laager site was one of our best spots at the Bang Wat dam with mountains and lakes in the background and many people- could have been back in sunny Scotland for one day of the year! The hares got us all a bit confused at the start at 2.30pm between run, long run and walk but as usual it was a matter of following the pack you normally run/walk with. I felt surprisingly good after Friday night (must have been the porridge for breakfast) and set off on the long run along the top of the dam with Wilma, Julie Andrews and Blue Harlot at a steady pace. Bellydancer set off like a clown at a sprinters pace complete with his red and yellow socks and umbrella but soon slowed down. I was keeping up with Wilma till we got to one of the barriers which most people walked round in single file, but our Wilma hurdled over it missing it by a hairs breadth. I gave the second one a go using a hand for leverage and did it- not bad for an old fella. The long run was well worth the effort. After a long slog up the mountain it was a series of minor ups and downs in good running country ending up at a water stop in the middle of nowhere. The second part was basically from the back of Chalong, where we had done a Chicken George run previously, then back to the dam again along excellent running trails with plenty of shade. First runners back together in 1 hour 45 mins, were Root, Parasol Pussy, Julie Andrews and of course myself.  As usual Swollen Colon would appear out of nowhere, disappear again along some short cut, then resurface wondering where we had all been.

The circle got going quickly because we had to be finished by 6pm due to the pre election curfew re  no alcohol after 6pm. The circle resembled the inside  of a freezer as were 4 blocks of ice and an elephant sized eski full of ice in the middle. First on the ice were the visiting GM's who were Superman from Chiang Mai HHH,  a wanker from the Subang Wanker HHH from KL, and an unknown from the Hua Hin HHH. Before I knew it all the Subang Wankers were standing inside the big eski obviously trying to cool their dicks down while surrounded by Iron Pussy sexpots.

Blue Harlot was called in as first Steward and made out how great it was to have reps of all nationalities and religions present, plus of course 30 baht beers. Life couldn't be much better he implied- should have been a philosopher like BC. He brought in all ex Phuket HHH GM's still present and alive and went through each with his personal experiences with each. Sir Dubai in first as founding GM, followed by King Klong who ran an hotel with a dubious massage joint, then Flying Dickhead who got his name for the 6 weeks he spent in the Dutch RAF when his plane hit a 30m high hill and his original name had 10 words including long legged cloggie which was condensed to the now 2 words.  Sir Sybil was the first hasher he ever met while at Fawlty Towers and who being 8 stone heavier at the time referred to the local hashers, obviously including himself, as dedicated runners. Next it was Luois the Lip who laughs at the same joke the next day and was asked “what is a jewish baker” in 6 letters- Hitler! Then “what is brown and runs round walls which Jews (h)ate”- gas pipes! White Pointer next who kept under the radar, then ex military Scud the pud, then Bog “the Bog” who introduced the sin bin, then Swollen Colon now officially called Man Slut, In front of his daughter. BH noted he follows Oxfam countries where he can do anything for a buck, and how he knows a quicker way of  injecting a woman. Big Bollox the ex navy man who could only get a job on an aircraft carrier followed by Secret Agent Dick Gobbler who eats rats by choice, followed by Dambuster who wears lippie, makeup and yellow dresses, then Cartoon, then Nutcracker well know now for only turning up when there is free food and T shirts.. then of course our delectable Minnie Mouse who had to prove her arse was smaller and nicer than BB's which was not difficult.

Vegetarians OJ and JJ called in but JJ denied as she takes meat. Then TT stood in as BC bird watching pervert for studying sperm gobblers. SC called in with his so called innocent daughters. The eldest said she knew what a penis is and when asked what it's used for, said fucking. The youngest also knew what a penis was for and said it was used for playing with as was too small for fucking. SC did not seem worried. Sick Fuckers Wart Hog called in and had to tell us his hash name is now Cinderella Man- he has never told how he got his first hash name and always seems embarrassed when mentioned in particular in the presence of his missus. BH finished by telling us how a father taught his son how to wank then told him that when he gets to 14 he can use his own penis.

Visiting hashers were all called in and appeared to be from everywhere- Chiang Mai, Oman, Malaysia, BKK, Adelaide, South Africa, Hua Hin etc etc. Very colourful bunch.

Footnote- while the circle was flowing there was a free flow of a huge variety of tasty food being passed round the circle by the sexpots including sandwiches, sausage rolls, pies, etc. Also everyone got a T shirt. Sponsors King Klong (Expat Hotel), Bumscraper and Houdini (Lady Pie) all called in and thanked.

Now it was the turn of Cartoon (husband of the Mighty Mouse) as Steward. He followed in a similar vein to BH when he told us how BH's girlfriend was going to leave him because he was a pedophile. That's a big word for a 12 year old was his BH's reply. Then he accuses Louis the Lip for being a bit blind and not being able to see his golf ball so he takes Sir Dubai along with him next time whose eyesight is better. Next day he hits a good shot but can't see where it went so asks Sir Dubie who  says he saw it but forgot where it went! It was obvious Cartoon was not going to get off Scot Free so as expected ended up submerged in the icy sin bin while doing a down down and being accused by MM as being his maid and hooker. He went very quiet. Final words from MM were something about biking to work, taking it up the arse, and finding a nanny....!

Next thing we know all the sexpots are trying to get into the sin bin wearing miniskirts and trying to cover their private parts as they legged it in. Once inside they immediately tried to get out of the icy water but were suddenly stopped as were stunned by shock when SADG jumped in with them and is sitting in the water looking up their skirts. Next thing its a wet T shirt competition as all the girls are showered in more icy water. A visitor had the nerve to throw water over the GM and paid the penalty of being immediately submersed in the sin bin and doing a down down from a urine bowl.

We were suddenly blessed by the presence in the circle of Archbishop Bare(Bear?) Arse Big Bollox who baptized brother Tony, with no hash name, on the ice, then proceeded to blast us all with fire and brimstone but then started dribbling from the mouth when referring to Twice Nightlys dress at the ball and night before. he also took offence to Barf Wader and Anthing for being perpetual motormouths, howling dogs etc- quite justified if I may say. Mercury picked upon again as being a bit love lost but an excellent hare then the Subang Wankers called in and iced for enjoying themselves too much the night before. Thai Connection also called in and told that they would go to jail with MM if the police turned up.

Incredible Ugly Bastard from Oman HHH called in to do a spot. First called in Pisshead and King Klong. Pisshead’s  bar owning mate had just been killed on a motorbike the night before, and worried about his missus and the business. Don't worry said KK, bars are closed tonight anyway- sick! Bumscraper called in and told off for having her dog at a no dog hash, but let off because it was her birthday. Born Illegitimate called in and had her arse caressed by BB then SC and Nahee Man called in and told all the gay boys in Oman keep asking after them after their last visit??

The Subang Wankers then took over the circle and  tried to tell us in a buffalo type Malaysian accent that it is their third anniversary run next year and that the hash was born in KL in 1938 - don't think there were many Malaysians at the first run somehow. They then formed a circle round the sin bin and proceeded to sing a 2 line wanking song with the Iron Pussy sexpots in the middle giving them some encouragement, then mercifully they were all iced and shut up.

Then was the turn of the Chiang Mai hash with Anthying motormouthing about how great Pornshop is and how good it was to see so many Phuket hashers coming to the Chiang Mai 1000 th run lat January. She gave T shirts to Woodpecker, Bumscraper, Little Bugger and Fishbowl- what about the rest of us?

Not to be outdone the GM, Mother Trucker, of the Laos bile hash in and called in BB and Lost Buffallo then wedges JJ between the 2 which made for some interesting yin and yan type curves. MM then tested his skills on the Lao language. She asked him if he does 69ers when he replied he does two shits a day. When asked if he likes blow jobs (in Laos) he replied he eats rice twice a day. As a result he was immediately ordered into the sin bin into which he just fitted. As he bent down his feet came up exposing a new pair of runners so MM immediately removed runners and socks, poured beer through the sock into the shoe while squeezing the sock and made him drink it. He couldn't get out of the sin bin quick enough and was heard to mutter Mother Fucker.

Finally some young French virgins were indoctrinated by SAG then it was time to close the circle about 7pm in the dark so we got an extra hour. Great afternoon- well done MM and the committee.

Sunday arvo was another great day out with a combined pooying/bike hash  laager site on the edge of the sea and separate runs/ride. Must have been about 35 cyclists and 15 runners. Great 1 hour ride followed by another great circle with Blue Harlot and BC as stewards. A highlight as poor old Flubber who fell off his bike doing 30kpm plus and got a bit bruised.