WARNING: The HSAP (Hash Scribe Association of Phuket) has passed this scribe report ‘NC – 17’, (No One 17 and Under Can Read). It contains material supplied by BC, which is deemed inappropriate for humans aged 17 and under (well humans of all ages really!).

Under darkening clouds and cool temperatures we gathered in a car park close to the Mining Museum in the Kathu hills. This deserted place was a collection of new buildings, built as part of the Government’s National Schools Initiative ….except they hadn’t told anyone about it, it had no students and it was set on a land plot bigger than Loch Palm Golf course; I guess they need to spend their tax money on something! It made for a fantastic laager site though, we all had a piece of concrete to park on, so it wasn’t a complete waste of money.

As we waited for run instructions the heavy stench of alcohol breath became apparent, it was Lucky Lek standing behind me! He had already consumed his (and Tiger’s) entire allotment of free beer. Tiger was completely unaware that he would be going thirsty as he was still out laying paper. Lucky Lek gave us instructions, the only bits I understood were that paper was involved and the run and walk would start at the car park entrance. Being early front runners me and Barbara Woodhouse were taken up a pointless 30 meter loop before hitting the road, the rest of the following pack just took the road and put us at the back. “Bluddy, fook’in, joerk” was Barbara’s enthusiastic reaction.

Nice run, steady 700 feet climb at the beginning generated the usual whining.  Welcomed rain on arrival back at the laager site cooled everyone down but stopped just in time for the circle.

GM called to order and the circle began with another reference to the soon to retire Pigmy, who apparently will be keeping himself occupied by selling some sort of magic ointment, samples of which where held up in an evidence bag. Blue Harlot shouted at Testicle Tom, “looks more like but lube”, which got his attention all right.

Colon, for a change turned up well before the start, which was a bit dumb because he had sparkling new white shoes on, which he made sure everyone noticed. Had he turned up late he would have had them well soiled by the finish….always knew he had attention seeking tendencies. Punishment duly arrived, and for some strange reason the GM joined in by drinking out of her very old looking shoes.

Big Borroks introduced the 4 visiting hashers, 2 from the Canberra Capital Hash and two very colorful hashers from the KL Hash; who certainly gave their money’s worth as you are about to find out. KC, a new member, was congratulated on his 5th run. There were tons of returners (Tits for Brains, Alice, Vomit Bomber, Hotpants, Double Ender, Nar He Man, Has been, Sismic, Krakatoa, Cheating Dream, Dog Fuck. Herr Flick and FigJam) must be back to cast their vote. Two virgins, Quam and BumBum, plus Barf Vader who wanted to get down and take it as if it were her first time. Only one departer, No Hope on his way back to Iraq.

Big Borroks would have gone on the run but he left his running shows at home, his wife had hidden them because she wants to keep him fat and unhealthy, that way he will have to rely on her even more….she’s certainly succeeded in getting his physical condition the way she wants!

Our friendly couple from KL hadn’t bought gifts from Malaysia but they did each bring a song. A very witty ditty from Wild Cat about someone in Hong Kong, who had screwed King Kong and then left his balls in Saigon; there’s a rhyme in there somewhere! Wild Boar did his turn with a well delivered song about beverages, including wine, rum and juice from the bush, which of course is ‘pussy juice’.
In response, and without Bollocks available, BC manly jumped up to return the honor with a Phuket HHH number. I’m not old enough to remember the name of the tune but it involved audience participation with a chorus of ‘who can take a …’. Those were the only clean words in the song, I couldn’t keep up with all the words, but one verse involved tying a chain saw to a woman so he could fuck the shaking bitch! It was difficult to concentrate with Blue Harlot sitting next to me falling backwards off his chair in fits of laughter! The musical interlude was bought to an end with the two wild ones from KL tube drinking a down down.

Clitmus Pussy iced for blasphemy, what does she mean? “we can do without men, that’s what’s so great about the Iron Pussy”!

First steward No Hope. Hares were given down downs for every meter on that sodding hill. We heard about an out of breath Louis the Lip, who managed to get up the hill but looked decidedly ill. “What’s the matter” asked No Hope. “It’s, it’s, it’s” (struggling for air), “It’s a cute vagina” stammered Louis the Lip. Very rarely in the right place at the right time, No Hope looked around frantically “Where, where?” he demanded. “No, no, not a vagina, I can’t breathe, I’ve got acute angina you prat”. Talking of cute vaginas, right on cue at this point Twice Nightly and a gaggle of other Thai beauties appear as incoming late arrivals…very wet they were too; no, you know what I mean, their shirts!!

Barf Vader and Secret Banana Gobbler in for looking up No Hope’s shorts; poor, sad women… don’t look at what you can’t afford! Big Bollocks was wished success for his ‘Big Ball’, which is coming up next Friday. Pole Position and Bootilicious changed positions, couldn’t work that one out but willing to be in the middle of it. Singha in for some shouting and sign language, “what you mean he is ‘porky pie’?”, “No, he is ‘forty five’”. French in for their annual reminder from the Brits and Yanks about D Day, why can’t they just move on, it was last century for God’s sake. Canadians in (Bullet Rash and Hot Pants) because the K’nucks were in the Stanley Cup Final; stupid fucking name for an ice hockey team, who cares anyway? Finally, and as a going away present No Hope sat on the ice and asked for the GM to sit on his knee for one last time, just like she did at a previous circle. The memory of this should help him spank his carrot on those long dark Iraq nights, only when he gets bored with the camels of course!

All the Thais into the circle to be photographed in front of the large marble plaque which adorned the entrance to the unused school….this is so they can show their folks back home that they actually had received an education!

Second steward, Jungle Balls; no hesitation in icing the hares for the steep run. As we were at a school, it was very appropriate that he called in Minnie Mouse and Blue Harlot. Gremlin was heard complaining, after her first attempt at cable skiing, that her hands ‘were shred to shit and her arms were all screwed up’. Hardly language you would expect from a fourteen year old, so Mother and Teacher were rightly reprimanded. Testicle Tom in to demonstrate that 1 out of every 100 men can suck their own cocks. He huffed and he puffed but once we all realized that TT wasn’t one of them he did offer to help the other 99 out. BC called in Chastity Belt to ask her how he could make himself more attractive to women. Chastity said she liked men who gave their peckers a name. BC said that she might like him then because he calls his ‘cucumber’. Chastity’s eyes lit up, “is that because its long and firm”, “No” came the reply “its because its infected!”. We all saw the sexy picture of Twice Nightly coming out of the pool, bikini clad, during her prize Laguna weekend with Once Weekly, (no, Once Weekly wasn’t the prize). Well we now learn that they got a bill from the hotel for a damaged wall and bed head…Once Weekly slammed his prize so hard he forgot that the bed was on casters and had to close the bedroom door or they would have finished up in the pool.

Danny, a new member and nice American (that’s an oxymoron isn’t it?), who reminded me of the saxophone player in the Muppets, was named Fungus for some reason. Something to do with mushrooms; growing them, smoking them, eating them I’m not sure. Oh I know, he’s an American citizen, just like the rest of the population their politicians keep them in the dark and feed them on shit. Staying with Americans, no one could understand why the Japs had invited 20 US nuclear specialists to help them with the Fukashima disaster…last time the US had nuclear involvement in Japan they killed 260,000 people.

BC in the circle, final steward….please lock you children away now! Chastity Belt is Suzy Klong, OJ and Houdini in, wouldn’t buy a beer and ended up with a saw jaw. BC needed two lovers in the circle, so GM and Cartoon were called, but as Cartoon had fucked off early, Colon was invited as a stand in. GM didn’t fancy Colon, who can blame her, so she picked out the cutest French lad she could find. BC then started his story, or was it a song, all I know was that it involved vaginas like horse collars and bodies smeared with gizzum! Thai connection in because they always want to emulate the American’s but they really shouldn’t. Every time the US electorate has elected relatives to powerful positions (i.e. the Bushes, Clintons etc) it’s been a disaster, so whatever you do don’t vote for #1! Wilma and his beautiful girl in so we could name her ‘Little Toe”. This is because she reminded BC of his little toe, small and cute….how my notes then jumped to banging her on the coffee table I’m not sure! Swollen Colon and Nar Hee Man in to illustrate an Irish teacher joke, which goes something like this: Teacher asks little Peter what does your daddy do? “He’s a banker sir” came the reply. “now I’ll give you a pound if you can spell ‘banker’ Peter”. “b.a.n.k.e.r” said Peter. “Very good” says Teacher. Turning to Le Bron, Teacher asks the same question. “My dad’s an electrician sir” says Le Bron. “OK, for a pound, how do you spell electrician Le Bron”. “l.e.t.k.n…oh, I can’t sir” whines Le Bron. Turning to little Johnny, Teacher asks “What about you Johnny?”. “My dad is a bookie sir, and I bet you 10 pounds I can spell ‘bookie’ by the time that little nigger can spell ‘electrician’”. Swollen Colon in to explain what happened on a boy’s bike ride that took place on Friday. Apparently, he got the shits from eating an infected pie. While sorting himself out in the toilet he hadn’t expected the douche gun to be so powerful as its force sprayed his shit all over the toilet walls, his clothes, the ceiling and the guy sitting in the next cubicle! BC claimed that there was some gizzum in there as well….too much detail BC! Blue Harlot in for watching porno movies backwards, they all start with him having sex and end when he gets his money back…in your dreams Harlot. And then on another occasion Blue Harlot is explaining exactly how he likes a BJ performed, so he tells the girl, “start with a bit of teasing, then go up and down, then go slower, then a bit faster, then a bit faster, but not for more than 5 seconds, then go slower again….”. The girl rolls her eyes and says to him, “hang on a minute, how do you expect a 12 year old to remember all of that?”. Testicle Tom in, plus all the other American’s to announce his latest pedophile party, the Independence Day BBQ on 2nd July, children under six free, even the British are invited. Its sponsored by the ‘Navy League Phuket’ so there will be lots of old semen there. As a finale, BC invited everyone to join in with his version of the Beatles classic “All My Loving”. This is the first verse:


BTW. Will the kind soul who thought I had left my camp chair at the laager site please return it. I only disappeared for a piss and to check how to spell gizzum on my Blackberry (I knew there was going to be a lot of gizzum in this scribble), the chair had gone by the time I came back.