Run No.1306 required 4 hares because Once Weekly still had a limp and he pissed off the owner of his planned laager site at Mosquito Lake. So he and Twice Nightly turned to Apeman & Useless to provide emergency cover, which took us to a laager site in Thalang. Walkers were warned not to run the walk, runners were warned they might have to walk the run. So it was no surprise when, emerging out of the rubbers, we caught sight of the vertical track up the mountain. The walkers who did attempt the run all turned back after 50 meters, according to Singha Gold, who claimed to be running but had to slow down to a walk after he was stung on the arse by a hornet. Talking of arses, the only person who seemed to have got pleasure out of laying the paper was Apeman, who took up a claustrophobic position right behind Twice Nightly as she serenely made her assent up the hill. With Once Weekly still incapacitated Apeman took full advantage of being in Twice Nightly's slipstream! GM called a 5.30pm circle, which was way too early for many, including your scribe who had only just arrived back. Colon was in first, and unconvincingly apologetic about missing the run, he explained he had been playing golf.. The alcohol on his breath suggesting he had spent most of the time on the 19th hole. He gave the misdirections for next Saturday's run, which were so confused that 'no-directions' was more apt; do the illegal U-turn and then head for PIA school. I didn't know Pakistani International Airways had a flight attendants school in Phuket! Colon had 4 down downs for his trouble. Big Bollox was proud to announce that the kids at the orphanage had used their own initiative to raise THB 24,000 for Japanese Tsunami victims by going busking? Shouts of "child labour!" Not clear which Japanese smash hits they performed, but good effort, and that wasn't the last reference to the Japanese disasters we were to hear on this busy afternoon. BB also applauded the GM for hosting a great birthday, must have been lots of free beer! Corporal Punishment, Lesser Dipshit and Barbie Doll in to find out who would be deemed the "tickest". They all seemed equally stupid to me, but it was Barbie who had the luck of the Irish and won the contest. I am still trying to work out what the penalty was for being the "tickest" but we somehow ended up with Barbie singing some well known Irish ballads. There was a fine rendition of "The Gas Man Cometh" dedicated to every workingman present, which totaled ZERO. For an encore we heard a classic Irish migration song, a sort of tribute to Catholic Cleansing. I would have remembered all of the names in the song, there was Donegan, Corrigan, O'Connor, Dooley blah blah - but I kept on being interrupted by shouts of "Did you write all of those down??"

Incoming Ejaculator; looked exhausted. 1st Steward: Lesser DS. Hares in the circle to warm up, but Late Arrival in Port and Barbie then led the Irish back in to take a bow for St. Patrick's Day and the fact that they would soon be departers. Next in were the Italians, but as there were none, he tried to get the Spanish in instead. None of them either so it had to be the French, which was appropriate because the whole point of the exercise was to humiliate the French for being beaten by Italy in the rugby, particularly as the Italians only learnt how to play the game 3 years ago. The Scots were trying to be inconspicuous at this point; they don't bother giving them a 'win' or 'draw' column in the six nations table anymore, the 'lose' column is all they ever need. JC, Paper, Little Buddha and Flying Dickhead all reprimanded for arriving late. FD made things worse by trying to pay for next week's run in advance, in anticipation of being late again. The rest of the circle was basically hijacked by a bunch of visiting mutant Canadians. First of all there was Hulkster, a giant brute of a man, with a miners lamp strapped around his head. He was iced for having an opinion, before Blue Harlot gave him one! Then there was Nose Hair, Kunuts, Arse for Break, Pitbull and Loggerhead - who wasn't responding much; turned out she was totally deaf! There were many more of them, enough to form an orchestra in fact. Someone shouted "sing us a song" so they did! They all had the same song sheet, they all had English as their mother tongue and they had all been practicing on the bus: could they sing? It was terrible, I have the song sheet and what I heard bares no resemblance to what I read. Miraculously, a seal jumped onto the ice, no it was Hulkster again, easy mistake to make. He swallowed up the ice with his folds of blubber. Blue Harlot in to do the virgins and visitors. 5 virgins and 1 visitor who, at 67 years old, looked remarkably like a young Testical Tom. 9 visiting hashers, that good looking bunch from Canada - led by Pitbull, who had been let off his leash. It was like a scene from The Adam's Family, as the thunder and lightning provided a dramatic back-drop. Departers were that lovely singing Irish couple (although Barbie was quick to point out that he would be leaving a week or so AFTER Late Arrival in Port.. Behave now!). Barf Vader announced Claudette's 50th run... 50 runs and she has no hash name! That was put right immediately, with Barbie's "Vertical Smile" adopted as he groped her bowtox! Hold your horses Barbie, Late Arrival hasn't left port yet! Houston Basher iced, but slipped straight off because of the impact of global warming, (from the prior effects of Hulksters arse). HB and Uncouth Cunt had been hitting on some woman with big tits who by incredible bad luck ended up sitting between these two perverts on the bus. Travelling on the bus has its advantages! A few quick incest jokes and an Englishman, Scotsman & Irishman classic. The 3 of them were drinking Guinness, and 3 flies crash landed into their beers. The Englishman screamed "That's disgusting" and ordered a new pint. The Scotsman belched, took the fly out and carried on drinking. The Irishman picked the fly out and, believing that it must have swallowed some of his beer, shouted at it, "Now, ya beta spit that beer back into the glass".

Run offences: Bullet Rash sited Singha Gold for wearing a radiation suit, with many inappropriate references to the nuclear disaster in Fuckershima. Naahee Man sited Barbara Woodhouse for flying a-over-t into some mud and Murkury called the hares in for allowing Minnie Mouse to get tangled up with a hissing python, it was the largest she's ever seen, and she's seen a few! Blue Harlot reprimanded Bullet Rash for trying to get laughs out of the tragic events in Japan. And just when BR thought Harlot was being serious, by innocently saying "it's best to lighten things up at times of tragedy" Harlot informed everyone that he had lost a good friend called "Soaking Wet". Canadians in again to explain that they had formed the "Kamloops Hash" after an earlier inspirational visit to the Phuket HHH several years ago. So, this was a sort of pilgrimage for them, although they did complain that they thought we were a bunch of money making bastards as Murkury had tried to charge one of them 200 baht for using his mobile shower. Welcome to Thailand! We were still on run offences. Barf Vader noticed Pitbull went flying early on in the run but like a good terrier he got straight up running, hoping no one had noticed. Parasol Pussy was caught doing the same thing, but Barf Vader got into trouble for suggesting they were all racing! JC, announced GOOD RUN, which was a bit odd as he had arrived late and didn't get anywhere near the run. So the Canadians were asked for their verdict. GOOD RUN was unanimous. Exactly how many Canadians went on the run? TWO, and that was Pitbull and Loggerhead (the deaf one so I don't think she understood the question). Good run, great views and a few laughs at the end, what Saturdays are all about...