Scribe
Report: No. 1303; 26th February 2011
Hares: Flying Dickhead, Murkury
& Billy Boy
Total Pack: 110; Virgins: 10; Visitors: 9; Visiting hashers: 1; New
members: 0
Run was longer than a Libyan revolution,
& hotter than it’s desert
too! 15k east of Heroines this exposed sun drenched laager site
has been utilized for several hash meets, even in my short PHHH career
I’ve been here 3 times. And on each occasion it’s been bloody hot, with
no shade earning it ‘hash shit’ from stand-in Run Master, JC. The run
itself was good, it was just never ending; that’s why, in Flying
Dickheads’ briefing, absolute virgins were warned not to stray from the
pack, plenty of opportunity to become isolated and lost. The bus
struggled to make it on time so the off was delayed by ten minutes. GM
had trouble forming a circle, heat exhaustion had set in, but once she
received some co-operation Flying Dickhead was put on the ice for
insubordination. How dare he request a ‘quick circle’, particularly
after organizing such a long run and especially when he, and his fellow
hares, were sighted drinking beers at various points around the course.
Run offences included Bluey citing Naked Gun for holding hands with his
half pint sized companion throughout the entire afternoon; sweet!
Hawaiian Ho was caught pissing on hash paper, a serious crime indeed.
J.C. and Minnie Mouse were reprimanded for allowing MM’s dogs to jump
into a private drinking water reservoir while they were having a
practice run around the Kathu dam. ‘Practice run!’, morons! Talking of
morons, Murkury made an example of Fig Jam who was the first up the
steep hill, because he couldn’t be bothered to ‘on-on’ and then
promptly went off paper and started travelling in the wrong direction.
Finally Born Loser and Secret Banana Gobbler were spotted going the
wrong way on the pink paper, and they made matters worse for themselves
by claiming that the hares had somehow laid more paper after the start,
just to confuse them. Billy Boy had lots of virgins to take care
of, the lucky bastard, except they were all men. Some of them quite
pretty men in fact, a point not lost on the GM, who was for once lost
for words. The cute little frog in the purple T-shirt really caught her
eye. Houdini & Chastity Belt did all they could to smuggle
Houdini’s sister, Rosie, under the radar. Was she a virgin? Was she a
visitor? Or was she a visiting hasher? No one was quite sure. She said
that she was a member of the Brunei hash but as its difficult to run in
a full burka that one didn’t wash. Houdini iced & Rosie got water
boarded as she attempted a down down with her arms in blue plastic
tubes. GM called in Creature for birthday wishes and couldn’t
resist getting the purple shirted pretty boy in to give the birthday
girl a rubbing on his knee. Som Tam girls into the circle because
during a recent trip to Australia, Billy Boy received several phone
calls from his Thai connection. Actually, more than ‘several’,
THB75,000s worth of phone calls to be exact. To prove the point his
phone began ringing.
Smokin’ Smurf & Tulips announced their retirement from hash
registration duties. Applause all round for a job extremely well done
and much appreciated; a hard act to follow for Big Bollox & Lesser
Dipshit. Thoughts and prayers went out to Mrs. Rodman, who is battling
with serious illness back in Holland, may God bless her…biggest round
of applause I have ever witnessed at a hash. Naked Gun proposed a hash
name for his half pint companion: ‘Cunning runt’, or was that ‘Running
cunt’? The former was adopted, unopposed. Incoming at 6.30, Ejaculater
had underestimated the run & tried to walk it! Jungle Balls
did a spot of stewarding. Born Illegitimate in to illustrate a story
about an independent Aussie woman who came home with a vibrator but
needed her partner to go out & buy the batteries; Big Bollox went
to hospital for a urine test but got a call asking him to do it again;
they had lost the original sample! His immediate response was “are you
taking the piss?” Big Bollox & GM thanked all for their
donations to the Phuket Orphanage, THB22,000 was raised and a car load
of goodies delivered to the kids. Plenty of new shoes today so
shoe drinking duties were decided by the spin of a bottle. At the start
there wasn’t enough beer to fill all of them, then the GM realized that
my (Vacant Plot’s) so-called ‘new shoes’ were so old that they had
holes in the bottom, meaning that as soon as beer was poured in, it
drained out. Hoping to drink out of my own porous, now empty
shoes, I was disappointed when the bottle decided I had to drink from
the shoes of the woman with the verruca problem next to me! Next
steward Big Bollox. Asterix in for browsing the small ads of girlie
magazines, again. One caught his eye, “Make your penis look bigger”. So
he ordered and paid on line, a week later a magnifying glass arrived in
the post! As the PHHH’s resident scouser, Saggy Balls was asked “what
have Liverpudlians and sperm got in common?”, its obvious, there’s 2
million of them and only one of them works! Next it was Born
Illegitimate’s turn. Apparently she was about to eat some pate when it
was explained that it was made of various different organs. “that’s OK”
she said, “as long as they’re still beating I’ll enjoy them”. Fig Jam
was asked “what do you say to an Australian with a beautiful girl on
his arm?” “Where did you get that tattoo from?” was his answer.
Someone had to take the blame for the late arrival of the bus, so
Singha, being the nearest man was told he had to do better. “I am just
a passenger” he appealed, but that wasn’t enough, guilty by association
was the verdict. Sheep Shagger underwent major surgery recently.
As he was starting to come round from the anaesthetic he looked at the
nurse and said, “You are so beautiful”. He dropped into sub
consciousness again, waking moments later to say: “you are very cute”.
After slipping away again, he opened his eyes to say to the nurse
“hello!” The nurse remarked to the doctor, “this guy has gone from
beautiful to cute to hello in 5 minutes” “Not to worry” said the
doctor, “the drugs are just wearing off (you ugly bitch)”. In the
gathering darkness, the French were surprisingly congratulated by the
GM for supporting the hash so loyally: particularly when they hadn’t a
clue what was being said most of the time. This was of course just a
way of sucking up to purple shirt again; I have his mobile number GM if
you want it. In hopped Once Weekly, still on crutches. He was
reminded that he is slated to be hare in 2 weeks time so he had better
stop faking his injury. Proceedings wrapped up with JC and Paper
welcomed back after their Malaysian honeymoon; there must have been a
special offer from “Truly Asia”, the Marriott Courtyard in Patong would
be JC’s normal idea of a romantic weekend. JC stand in Run Master and
he quickly established ‘GOOD RUN’…. But ‘shit laager’. Long run, long
circle….
…On On. Vacant Plot.