Well, me this week as our scribe has succumbed to high altitude sickness and ice damage to his knee and had to be rushed off to receive medical attention.

After a very hilly and confusing run/walk which had runners and walkers meeting half way and going in the opposite directions, most people managed to get back into the laager in just over the hour, except for the slow and infirm, plus some dogs whose homing instincts  failed them on this particular jaunt,

So the circle was called, Gorgeous the hare was iced and promptly got out of his pram and called the G.M an idiot for icing such an experienced hare, he also promised not to hare again if he doesn’t get the respect he deserves. (Can we have that in writing please Gorgeous?)

Returners: You have got to be kidding, a bloody bus load of the buggers.

Virgins: Mary, Clayton Bill and Rob, welcome to the Hash, but probably won’t see them again after being waterboarded.

Run Offences: Lesser Dipshit called in a very suspect Canadian in who was waving at Lesser in a very effeminate way on the run.
Barbara Woodhouse called in Tootsie and 15 gets you 20, as the night before, Tootsie was trying to get off with a very glammed up 15 gets you 20, and was embarrassing himself with a permanent boner, much to the disgust of her mother. Umbilical and his son who was named Placenta looked on in mild amusement.

1st Steward: King Klong, Hares in for losing Chicken George’s dog and not Chicken George, 10 minutes later the dog plodded in on his own while a search party was out roaming the hills looking for it. Then came the story on what to do with Gives Good Head’s old walking stick, as Noi from the Ex Pat was always stroking the carved Knob on the end with such lust in her eyes, it was given to her much to her embarrassment and lots of blushes.

 The next victims on King Klong’s list were Secret Agent Dick Gobbler and FA Cup. After returning from a heavy night out, FA Cup could hear SADG having a long and very noisy piss, “Are you alright dear?” she said as she peered around the bathroom door, only to find SADG pissing everywhere but in the toilet bowl. Be thankful for small mercies FA Cup, he might have wanted a shit, and we know what he is capable of.

Fungus and Mr. Fista were next in as they were overheard discussing the merits of having a heart rate monitor. Fungus said they were great for hill training and making sure you run within your physical limits. Mr. Fista said in true hash style, he puts his on the bed head while he is giving Oh Yea a good seeing to and tries to thrust with the beeps of the HRM. (My mind went into overdrive on that one; I would need some emergency oxygen on the bed head, not something that beeps if I had Oh Yea wriggling around underneath me.    Sorry I digress)

Lesser Dipshit was in next as he was seen kissing the GM’s dog Tiger after he had spent the previous afternoon picking the edible bits out of a bloody great cowpat and at the present time was giving a blowjob to Barbara Wood house’s dog in the circle, strange behavior for a dog and even stranger from Lesser Dipshit.

Bumscraper had a busy night at the Little Ex Pat bar on the previous night with Dr Fucking Jekyll’s birthday party. At about 1am Woodpecker said, “If there is any spaghetti left can you leave a small bag of it outside my front door when you go home?” “Sure, no problem” said Bumscraper. At 2am Bumscraper noticed the Pig’s head still left from the pig roast, and thinking it would be a great breakfast for Diesel the dog put it into a bag to take home. (Are you ahead of me now?) Yep, you guessed it; Woodpecker woke up and opened her front door to find a pig’s head staring back at her, which freaked her out as she thought the local Mafia Godfather had put a death threat on her or King Klong. Oh! And by the way Diesel got spaghetti for breakfast. 

Butt Plug was brought in with Minnie Mouse and she had her fingers all over his face in his hair and mouth after she complained of no toilet paper in the toilets of the Ex Pat Hotel.
Well done King Klong a good spot as usual.

Naming: was next with little Ploy being named by the girls as Sweet Darling, the boys wanted to name her Swallows Well, by the way she knocked back her water. (She is only about 5 so the girls won that one.)  Umbilical’s son was named Placenta, nice one.  A story by J.C referring to Umbilical who is a stunt man and on the 19th April he is going to appear at the football stadium, drive a motorbike at speed up a ramp, crash into a barrier and catapult himself over the spinning blades of a helicopter. (Why, Oh Why? Fuck knows) Good luck Umbilical, hope you have insurance. 

2nd Steward: Barfwader, who straight away got in Manneken Pis and Jungle Balls, who on the previous hash had mistaken her for Gives Good Head, go to Specsavers boys. Then the story of Froggy and his missing cash from his ATM card, no it wasn’t Barfwader, it was the bloody Russians and Sitonya was called in to take the blame for that one. SADG was punished by the ice for constantly gobbing off, and Barfwader finished off a short but very entertaining spot. Well done.

We were all ready to go home when a news flash announced the arrival of a superstar from the states, our old friend Prairie Oyster, who with the help of Minnie Mouse, Mind the Gap, Teacher’s Pet, Give me a Stroke and Twice Nightly with a dance routine and backing vocals, gave us a wonderful rendition on how many times he has come in his pants, and the occasional follow through when the excitement gets too much, great entertainment, thank you Bollox for that.

Bollox's Lament (It Was Over)  (by Kevin Bloody Wilson)

I remember back on our very first date In the back seat of me car I wanted you to go all the way But you wouldn't go that far I wanted you to hold me dick You wanted to hold me hand And when I accidentally brushed your tit I just blew it and come in me pants Chorus:  And it was over ... before it began I'll never forget the strain and the sweat As I fumbled with your gear A hundred degrees with the windows wound up So your Mum and Dad couldn't hear Tryin' me best to unzip your dress And unhook your bra with one hand And just when I thought I was doin' all right I come in me pants again Chorus:  And it was over ... before it began Blouses and buttons and bras and buckles And 'Stop it, I'm gettin' cold' First time I've had a tit in me mouth Since I was nine months old I had lovers' balls and you had no idea Of the pitch of me passion and pain Tryin' to stay cool with me knackers on fire I come in me pants again ... oh, shit ... and again Chorus:  And it was over ... before it began

You wouldn't give and I wouldn't go And we couldn't seem to agree You got the giggles and I got the shits Then you wouldn't talk to me And when we made up and we started again Your Dad banged on the roof and he yelled: 'What are you two kids up to in there?' And I shit in me pants as well Chorus:  And it was over ... before it began You hear people say that they'd love to go back And do things that they did in the past But if you reckon they were the real good old days You can go stick 'em right up your arse! 'Cause when I look back how I came and I went With a tear in me eye I recall How me, I had a cunt of a night, But me undies had a ball Chorus:  And it was over ... before it began

Well done Chicken George and Umbilical for achieving numbered run shirts.

Departers: Fucking Near Water, PHHH Everest team of Mr. Fista, Oh Yea! Chicken George, and Lemming, you must tie a Ph3 T shirt on one of the flag lines around Base camp. Good luck to you all.

Runmasters: No one knew which way the vote would go, as of the confusion on the run, however after 3 calls the G.M announced Good Run. Well done the Hares.  Back in the same area next week, see you there.