Scribe Report:                         Run  No. 1459                    Saturday 8 February 2014

Hares: No Hope, Singha & Lau Lau Louder
Total Pack ?:  PH3 ?,  Virgins ?,  Visitors ?, Visiting Hashers ?,  New Members ?.


Stand in scribe this week as Not Cleaver wasn't feeling too cleaver and went home.  Here we go then ...

So, another Saturday and another climb to Everest Base Camp and back.  First runners back in about one hour and five minutes.   Back in the day this would have been an automatic hash shit.  But in these more liberal, turtle fixated times, who knows?  Only time will tell.

The GM opens a slightly reduced circle with the hares as a portion of the pack were still taking their oxygen equipment off.   Topoff in to give away a free ticket to Phi-Phi tomorrow, and the lucky winner is  - Barbara Woodhouse!  Murmurs around the circle as to whether it was a one-way ticket!

Returners in: Granny Takes It Up The Arse (our GM doesn’t like this name but since the best alternative was Grandad Takes It Up The Arse then it got to stay), OJ, Flo Jo, Stardust, Wanking, Clitbull and a very reluctant FA Cup.  Where have you all been?  Who cares?

Virgins in, well those that were back, to receive the traditional PHHH welcome.

Visiting Hashers:  None, according to the GM, but we quickly found a group of four from Mijas, Spain all in matching and very tight tour shirts, Something Wrong and one more whose name was drowned by chatter.  Stand-in registrar Manneken Pis iced for his ineptitude.

New members: Bridget – who didn’t show up, probably stuck in a crevasse somewhere, and Sasha from Russia.  She was serenaded by one of our Mijas visitors: 
Shitonya, shitonya, shitonya
In Russian it means "I love you"
If I had my way
I'd shit on ya all day
Shitonya, shitonya, shitonya  
So ‘Shitonya’ it is!  For about 10 seconds, when it got changed to ‘Sitonya’.  So ‘Sitonya’ it is!

Numbered Runners.  Brought forward in the proceedings as some of them have a habit of pissing off early.
Dirty Dozen, Piss Drinker and Ice Box: 25 Runs
Butt Plug: 100 Runs,  
Singha: 700 Runs and
Gorgeous YW: 900 Runs.    SING! Yells GYW.  ‘HBYC’ we reply.
Birthday: Sweet Cheap Potato.  HBYC.

Run Offences:  The Reverend Fingerlicker brings in Lucky Lek and Fucking Near Water.  As a group they gave up on one of the checks and decide an early return to the beer truck is in order.  LL proceeds to ask 5 groups of locals the way back only to find they were all Burmese and didn’t understand a word (is his Thai as unintelligible as his English?).  Eventually they are rescued by our new group of girls (on about their third run)  and shown the way back.  Barbara Woodhouse brings in Piss Drinker for something you could only decipher if you came from Yorkshire.  Come back Rosie and translate for us please?  Mister Fister brings Billy Boy in.  Being a very clever person, BB knows where the run will go and decides to go off paper to intercept it.  20 minutes later the two of them have found no paper but do find themselves looking down on Kamala from a great height.  Fuck that and back to the beer truck!  Billy Boy brings in JC.  On their way back from sightseeing they meet JC going up the hill.  Nothing up there says BB.  I’ll just go and see says JC, who was promptly seen by no-one for the next hour.  No Hope brings in his co-sherpa hare Singha.  How did they get Singha up those hills?  Will two in front pulling and two behind pushing. That’s how!  Fungus brings in Sitonya for front running and shortcutting on only her 5th run.  Fast learner!  Back from an egg laying session, our chelonian GM brings in and ices Barf Wader, Nothing, Cheap Potato and Anal Grapes for leaving early to walk the run. "THE HASH STARS AT FOUR".  No more early walkers ‘cos you fuck things up for everybody behind you.  Stupid Canard iced by the flippered one for careering through the laager site in his Fortuna and covering everything, including the GM, in dust.  ‘Dusting the turtle’, it sounds like some sort of fetish – must go and look it up.  Froggy brings in the English for losing in the rugby last week.  At least that’s what we thought it was, all we heard was ‘ho-he-ho-he-ho’.

Finally we make it through to our one and only steward.  ‘Who is it?’ says a non-plussed GM with a blank piece of paper in his hand. ‘Me’ says Blue Harlot.  So, in no particular order:
Hares in – What a run!    I ran relatively pain free although wheezing like a donkey on a pack of Marlboro a day. I sprinted in with Lesser Dipshit and Apeman, but was breasted over the line by Testical Tom who finished with a late spurt as he always does.  (He’s famous for his spurts). 

Back when Lesser was a lad there was no internet, so people used to walk miles just to call him a cunt. 

Clitmas Pussy was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Lesser Dipshit Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes:  "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"   She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note:   etc etc.  Fed up of this he wrote back, “Use more paper on your arse.”

I got into trouble the other night while in a bar and talking to a really hot Thai bird. I asked her if I could see her later in the week. She giggled and said “I don’t know, where are you thinking of taking me?” Apparently Up the arse was not the answer she was expecting.

A man's life is like a lush, green meadow.  It's a beautiful thing until some cow comes along and shits all over it.

GM in. How do you make a cat go “Woof” A bottle of petrol and a box of matches.

 Reverend Fingerlicker in:  said, I'm bisexual, when I want sex, I buy it.

I was talking to a black man in a bar.  I asked the black man how it was that they had such big dicks.

The black guy told me that the shagging technique was the decisive factor.  "We put it in slowly on the in stroke and take it out quickly on the out stroke, that's what makes it longer".  I went home home and tried it on Teacher’s Pet.  After a couple of minutes, she says, "What the fuck's going on, you're shagging like a nigger!"

The difference between men and women.  When a woman has tissues at her bedside, she has a cold. When a man has tissues at his bedside, he may have a cold.

Some ex military in the Hash. Gorgeous, Barbara Woodhouse, Lesser Dipshit, and Murkury, and in his absence Big Bollox,  excerpts from their military reports:
1. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of idle curiosity. (L.D)
2. I would not breed from this Officer. (B.W)
3. This man is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot. (G)
4. This officer can be likened to a small puppy - he runs around excitedly, leaving little messes for other people to clean up. (L.D)
5. This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, more of a definitely won't-be. (M)
6. When he opens her mouth, it seems only to change whichever foot was previously in there. (G)
7. Couldn't organize 50% leave in a 2 man submarine. (Big Bollox)
8. He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction. (M)
9. He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
10. This Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar. (Big Bollox)
11. This soldier reminds me very much of a gyroscope, always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere. (B.W)
12. Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has now started to dig. (L.D)
13. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. (M)
14. This soldier should go far, and the sooner he starts the better. (G)
Excellent spot BH.
Departers in: FOYC.

Hares in.  Manneken Pis as runmaster reminds the circle that voting for hash shit would take it away from JC.  When he then asks who wants hash shit you could hear a pin drop.  So Good Run it was and another week with his head in the pan of shame for JC.

On-on

Jungle Balls