Stand in scribe this week as Not Cleaver wasn't feeling too cleaver and
went home. Here we go then ...
So, another Saturday and another climb to
Everest Base Camp and
back. First runners back in about one hour and five
minutes. Back in the day this would have been an automatic
hash shit. But in these more liberal, turtle fixated times, who
knows? Only time will tell.
The GM opens a slightly reduced circle with the hares as a portion of
the pack were still taking their oxygen equipment off.
Topoff in to give away a free ticket to Phi-Phi tomorrow, and the lucky
winner is - Barbara Woodhouse! Murmurs around the circle as
to whether it was a one-way ticket!
Returners in: Granny Takes It Up The Arse (our GM doesn’t
like this name but since the best alternative was Grandad Takes It Up
The Arse then it got to stay), OJ, Flo Jo, Stardust, Wanking, Clitbull
and a very reluctant FA Cup. Where have you all been? Who
cares?
Virgins in, well those that were back, to receive the
traditional PHHH welcome.
Visiting Hashers: None, according to the GM, but we
quickly found a group of four from Mijas, Spain all in
matching and very tight tour shirts, Something Wrong and one more whose
name was drowned by chatter. Stand-in registrar Manneken Pis iced
for his ineptitude.
New members: Bridget – who didn’t show up, probably stuck
in a crevasse somewhere, and Sasha from Russia. She was serenaded
by one of our Mijas visitors:
Shitonya, shitonya, shitonya
In Russian it means "I love you"
If I had my way
I'd shit on ya all day
Shitonya, shitonya, shitonya
So ‘Shitonya’ it is! For about 10 seconds, when it got changed to
‘Sitonya’. So ‘Sitonya’ it is!
Numbered Runners. Brought forward in the proceedings
as some of them have a habit of pissing off early.
Dirty Dozen, Piss Drinker and Ice Box: 25 Runs
Butt Plug: 100 Runs,
Singha: 700 Runs and
Gorgeous YW: 900 Runs. SING! Yells GYW. ‘HBYC’
we reply.
Birthday: Sweet Cheap Potato. HBYC.
Run Offences: The Reverend
Fingerlicker brings in
Lucky Lek and Fucking Near Water. As a group they gave up on one
of the checks and decide an early return to the beer truck is in
order. LL proceeds to ask 5 groups of locals the way back only to
find they were all Burmese and didn’t understand a word (is his Thai as
unintelligible as his English?). Eventually they are rescued by
our new group of girls (on about their third run) and shown the
way back. Barbara Woodhouse brings in Piss Drinker for something
you could only
decipher if you came from Yorkshire. Come back Rosie and
translate for us please? Mister Fister brings Billy Boy in.
Being a very clever person, BB
knows where the run will go and decides to go off paper to intercept
it. 20 minutes later the two of them have found no paper but do
find themselves looking down on Kamala from a great height. Fuck
that and back to the beer truck! Billy Boy brings in JC. On
their way back from sightseeing they
meet JC going up the hill. Nothing up there says BB. I’ll
just go and see says JC, who was promptly seen by no-one for the next
hour. No Hope brings in his co-sherpa hare
Singha. How did they get
Singha up those hills? Will two in front pulling and two behind
pushing. That’s how! Fungus brings in Sitonya for front running
and shortcutting on only her
5th run. Fast learner! Back from an egg laying session, our
chelonian GM brings in and ices
Barf Wader, Nothing, Cheap Potato and Anal Grapes for leaving early to
walk the run. "THE HASH STARS AT FOUR". No more early walkers
‘cos you fuck things up for everybody behind you. Stupid Canard
iced by the flippered one for careering through the laager site in his
Fortuna
and covering everything, including the GM, in dust. ‘Dusting the
turtle’, it sounds like some sort of fetish – must go and look it
up. Froggy brings in the English for losing in the rugby last
week.
At least that’s what we thought it was, all we heard was
‘ho-he-ho-he-ho’.
Finally we make it through to our one and only steward.
‘Who is it?’ says a non-plussed GM with a blank piece of paper in his
hand. ‘Me’ says Blue Harlot. So, in no particular order:
Hares in – What a run! I
ran
relatively pain free although wheezing like a donkey on a pack of
Marlboro a day. I sprinted in with Lesser Dipshit and Apeman, but was
breasted over the line by Testical Tom who finished with a late spurt
as he always does. (He’s famous for his spurts).
Back when Lesser was a lad there was no internet, so people used to
walk miles just to call him a cunt.
Clitmas Pussy was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the
local Lesser Dipshit Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag
with the next collection of soiled clothes: "USE MORE SOAP ON
PANTIES!" She got the clean laundry back, and was still
dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed
another note: etc etc. Fed up of this he wrote back,
“Use more paper on your arse.”
I got into trouble the other night while in a bar and talking to a
really hot Thai bird. I asked her if I could see her later in the week.
She giggled and said “I don’t know, where are you thinking of taking
me?” Apparently Up the arse was not the answer she was expecting.
A man's life is like a lush, green meadow. It's a beautiful thing
until some cow comes along and shits all over it.
GM in. How do you make a cat go “Woof” A bottle of petrol and a box of
matches.
Reverend Fingerlicker in: said, I'm bisexual, when I want
sex, I buy it.
I was talking to a black man in a bar. I asked the black man how
it was that they had such big dicks.
The black guy told me that the shagging technique was the decisive
factor. "We put it in slowly on the in stroke and take it out
quickly on the out stroke, that's what makes it longer". I went
home home and tried it on Teacher’s Pet. After a couple of
minutes, she says, "What the fuck's going on, you're shagging like a
nigger!"
The difference between men and women. When a woman has tissues at
her bedside, she has a cold. When a man has tissues at his bedside, he
may have a cold.
Some ex military in the Hash. Gorgeous, Barbara Woodhouse, Lesser
Dipshit, and Murkury, and in his absence Big Bollox, excerpts
from their military reports:
1. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out
of idle curiosity. (L.D)
2. I would not breed from this Officer. (B.W)
3. This man is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot. (G)
4. This officer can be likened to a small puppy - he runs around
excitedly, leaving little messes for other people to clean up. (L.D)
5. This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, more of a
definitely won't-be. (M)
6. When he opens her mouth, it seems only to change whichever foot was
previously in there. (G)
7. Couldn't organize 50% leave in a 2 man submarine. (Big Bollox)
8. He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire
satisfaction. (M)
9. He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
10. This Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to
port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar. (Big Bollox)
11. This soldier reminds me very much of a gyroscope, always spinning
around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere. (B.W)
12. Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has now
started to dig. (L.D)
13. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve them. (M)
14. This soldier should go far, and the sooner he starts the better. (G)
Excellent spot BH.
Departers in: FOYC.
Hares in. Manneken Pis as runmaster reminds the
circle that voting for hash shit would take it away from JC. When
he then asks who wants hash shit you could hear a pin drop. So
Good Run it was and another week with his head in the pan of shame for
JC.
On-on
Jungle Balls
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